With a name like that, he HAS to be guilty

His ancestor probably emigrated from Britain because the aristocrats weren't allowed to execute peasants for poaching deer any more. The previous guy he shot was a Massai park ranger, so either he is aristocratic enough to think he should be allowed to hunt black people or the ranger tried to stop him from doing some poaching.

Most of the kids in my class had fathers who had good jobs in the Welsh Valleys, so they tended to be pretty snobbish. They also had some violent and extremely pointless rivalry with the kids in the school in the next town. The bastards think of Friends Reunited as a chance to boast about how incredibly successful they are since they moved from rural Wales and how their lives are incredibly wonderful.

It's all BS, because they're working 18 hours a day to fund their lifestyle and that's before the time spent commuting. And a fair number of them are taking cocaine as a stimulant. Half of them are going to have heart attacks by the time they're 35. The insane thing is that the ones who have amassed a big pile of money by their 40th birthday, will decide to buy a weekend house in some rural village, just like the one they started out in. Only as outsiders, their weekend homes will probably be forebomed by the Welsh Nationalists.

Before you start feeling jealous because some of your school friends are more financially successful than you, try to remember that they are actually working twice as hard as you and are equally miserable. Studies have shown that people in Britain are more depressed today than we were in the 1920s and 1930s, even though most of us experience a far higher standard of living.

Unless he gets a bit confused as to what party Tony Blair is the leader of.

Maybe I'm worrying about nothing. He would almost certainaly misspell the 'X' you put in the appropriate box on the ballot paper.

?

Are you saying that you deport yourself in a way that is not proper for a lady?

If it's binge drinking, don't worry because that is one of the great traditions that made Britain what it is today. The sailors who defeated Napoleon drank an impressive amount of rum considering how their jobs involved climbing ropes and running around on a ship's masts.

I think the real villain here is the guy who thinks that it is a good idea to accept a lift from someone who is blind, deaf and suffers from 'leg tremors'. What really depresses me is that making this curious decision will not bar the passenger from voting in the next election...

To be fair, if you are Welsh then burning down all those English weekender homes is considered to be a wholesome and patriotic activity.

Don't worry, we do let the occupants flee before we set fire to their property. If we're sober and feeling generous, which I admit is a rare occasion.

But would you want to be stuck behind one in a queue? Legally, you won't be able to punch them in the kidneys you know.

I love the way that the Human Rights Act that Labour brought in keeps getting in the way of their increasingly deranged proposals for removing our personal freedoms (thus ensuring that there are no freedoms left for Al Qaeda to attack) and persecuting immigrants

Slaughter; now we've built the Channel Tunnel, isn't it about time the rest of you started driving on the left?

Ivory; you do know that there are still people who go around saying "what's that in old money?" Think how many people we're going to have to bayonet for stupidity when Britain adopts the Euro. And did you try shoving a few armadilloes into your microwave?

FA, you do realise that your role has been taken by a computer program don't you?

http://news.bbc...and/5276366.stm

The jokes that computer tells are so unfunny they were rejected by a company that makes christmas crackers. You get some overweight Northern music hall comic telling jokes like that and battle hardened Al Qaeda terrorists will crack in no time; the rack and nutcrackers are an act of mercy in comparison.

Perhaps an important function of jokes is to reduce fear of one's enemy by ridiculing him. Adolf Hitler, Lord Haw Haw, Osama bin Laden and Dubya Bush have all been targets of ridicule, thus making them harder to fear.

Ivory; are you suggesting that when it comes to the prospect of being brutally tortured and executed, you will forego the chivalric "ladies first" privilige?

FA; the funny thing is that you can't become a senoir judge unless you are considered to be "sound" and "the right sort of chap" by the inbred, ex-public schoolboy (five years of fagging, a euphamism for who knows what?) senior judges who decide on judicial promotions; the government and the Queen just rubber stamp their reccomendations. Our democratically elected leaders seem to be less in touch with the public than the old aristocratic classes.

In Wales, at least, Channel 4 routinely shows adverts for adult games for mobile phones before 7pm, never mind the 9pm watershed. The watershed and ratings systems are total rubbish.

I remember the days when Tetris was bland and inoffensive, and nobody tried to pimp strip tetris (whatever that is) with a photograph of some woman I've never heard of, but am apparently expected to be lusting after (if the pictures in the advert are anything to go by, she isn't attractive enough to be worth the 30p per day subscription charge). And all this on a screen that is usually so small that you probably need a magnifying glass to see anything naughty.

If the sci-fi elements of a game set in WWII bother you, just remember that we never did get to the bottom of the aeriel phenonemon called Foo Fighters.

I take it you've never been to rural Norfolk then?

This is hardly the first time that our country has been in danger of terrorist attacks by religious extremists. Queen Elizabeth I had an excellent spy network to protect both her her and the country from Catholic plots - the Catholic church was hardly enthusiastic about England's split with catholicism as the Protestants kept denouncing all the scams the church had been getting away with for centuries.

And when Guy Fawkes night comes round, perhaps it would be a good idea to reflect on the reason why the plotters were willing to risk torture and a brutal execution.

It wasn't just terrorism - there was a realisting threat of a Catholic invasion of England, of which the most famous attempt was that of the Spanish Armada. To make the threat worse, Scotland and Catholic sympahisers in England were considered likely to support the invasion of England by a Catholic power such as France or Spain.

What I'm getting at is that we got through it last time, so there is no reason to suppose that we cannot do it again. A good first step would be to remind Muslims that Al Qaeda and its supporters are behaving in a manner that is unIslamic.