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Jokes

FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 9, 2006 at 10:40 PM

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Where is the most populated place in Ethiopia
Wherever the wind blows.
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A paedophile and a little girl are walking through the woods.
"Mister, mister! I'm scared!" Says the little girl.
"You're scared?" Replies the paedophile. "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk back through here on my own!"
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What did one pilot say to the other?
"I bet you cant fly between those two buildings."
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A man is sat in the hospital waiting room, biting his nails. A doctor comes out with the newborn baby and says to the dad "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, he's ginger. The good news is, he's dead."

Badum-tsh!

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 10, 2006 at 08:32 AM

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What's the definition of self-destruction?
An epileptic leper.
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What's better than getting a gold in the Special Olympics?
Not being a spacker.
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What do you call a Japanese paedophile?
Po Kim Yung
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What do you call a Japanese Joyrider?
Tommy Nikamota
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds.
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What is 16 inches long, stiff and makes women cry?
Cot death.
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Why did Hitler kill himself?
Because he got his gas bill.
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What do a dildo and a quorn sausage have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.
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A little boy and his Dad are in the bathroom while mum's in the bath.
Little boy: "Dad, what's that between mum's legs?"
Dad: "Well, that's where I hit your mum with an axe."
Little boy: "Bloody hell, you're a good shot Dad, you got it right in her cunt."

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 10, 2006 at 05:11 PM

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What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
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What goes stiff after three strokes?
Princess Margaret.
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One day, a lady elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a thorn in her foot. She can't pull it out and it's really hurting her. Just then a mouse comes along. "Hey, Mouse," the elephant says, "can you pull this thorn out of my foot?"
"Sure." Says the mouse "On one condition!"
"What is it?" asks the elephant.
"You let me fuck you in the arse." says the mouse.
Well the elephant doesn't take long to think about this. It's only a mouse, so it's not like she'll feel anything, so she agrees. The mouse pulls the thorn out of her foot and then races up her back leg and starts poking his little mouse cock into her massive elephant bumhole.
A chimpanzee looks down from a nearby tree and thinks that the elephant is being attacked by the mouse, so starts throwing logs at it to get it off the elephant. But the chimp isn't a good shot, and one of the logs hits the elephant on the head.
"AOW!" cries the elephant.
"That's it!" Snarls the mouse through gritted teeth "Take it ALL!"
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The McCartney kids are at the family estate anxiously awaiting news of their sick mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kids....there's good news and bad news. The bad news is your mother's will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago. The good news is, it's steak and chips for dinner!"
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It's the first day back after the school holidays and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers.
So the teacher points to little Katy and asks, "Katy, what does your Dad do?"
Katy replies "My dad's a pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy."
The teacher then asks David what his Dad does.
"My dad is a postman, and he delivers letters and parcels from all over the place, and he makes people happy."
The teacher turns to little Susan and is about to ask the same question, but Susan bursts into tears. The teacher rushes over to console her. "Whats wrong, love?"
"My dad is dead, Miss" she replies.
"Aww, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry"
"It's ok" she choked out, through tears.
"So, what did your father do before he died?"
"He shit the bed and turned blue, Miss"

Thank you, thank you.

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Pete ( 700 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 10, 2006 at 07:23 PM

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Aren't the Asgard supposedly technologically superior?

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 10, 2006 at 09:44 PM

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...What?


What's black and has 27 tits and 16 bollocks?
The bin outside the cancer clinic.
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What is the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms.
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A woman goes to the doctors with morning sickness and asks for a check up.
The doctor performs all the necessary tests, then asks,
"Do you like getting up really early in the morning and changing nappies?"
The woman's face lights up. "Why? Am I pregnant?"
"No." The doctor replies. "You have stomach cancer."
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"Many people said that it would only be a matter of time before there would be a bomb attack on our transport system.
It's just bloody typical that four had to come at once.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic junkie? He overdosed on heron.

Badum-tsh.

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 11, 2006 at 03:18 AM

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While not a joke per se, this made me laugh for a good five minutes.

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/PDVD_010.jpg

There I was, vacantly perusing the credits of that episode of Firefly, and all of a sudden that fateful name flashed up, and five minutes later I'm still chortling away, holding my ribs and sniggering "Wankum! Wankum!".

Perhaps it is just me being immature, or perhaps my life really is as empty a shell as some of my ex-girlfriends say, but whatever the reason; I pissed myself laughing.

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 11, 2006 at 06:45 AM

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Again, not a joke, but it sounds like it should be one.

http://news.bbc...est/4777127.stm

District Judge Richard Williams told Myles: "It seems to me you did this purely out of immense stupidity."



No shit, Judge. And 12 pints? Woofter.

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 11, 2006 at 04:38 PM

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What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
Clint Eastwood makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.
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A Chinese couple, Mr and Mrs Wong go to the doctors one day.
"What can i do for you, Mr Wong?" asks the doctor.
"Well, doctor, my wife and I live in country for many year. We have 3 children and they all Chinese baby. If we live in country for so many years why cant we have Engrish baby?"
The doctor looks at Mr Wong and Mrs Wong in amazement. "I'm sorry, but two Wongs don't make a white."
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Man in a wheelchair goes into a pub with bruises all over his face, two black eyes and broken teeth.
"Blimey!" Says his mate "What happened to you?"
"It's a sporting injury I picked up in the Special Olympics." He repliess.
"What was it?" asks his mate, "Boxing?"
"No, the hurdles."
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey! Wanna go ride bikes?
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Polish man goes into an opticians.
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke "Can you read the top line?"
Polish man says "Read it? I know him!"
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A man goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and says: "8 pints of bitter please, love."
The barmaid pours him 8 pints, which he takes back to his table and drinks.
A little while later, he's back at the bar "Another 8 pints please, love."
He takes the pints back to his table and drinks them down.
He goes up to the bar a third time: "Another 8 pints please, love."
The barmaid asks "Are you sure, sir?"
He replies "Yeah, no problem."
He takes the pints back to his table and drinks them down as well.
On his fourth trip to the bar, he asks "Do you sell shorts?"
And the barmaid replies "Yes sir, of course."
The man says "Well, can I have a pair, 'cos I've pissed me trousers."
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A rabbi and a priest are sitting on a park bench. The priest says to the rabbi, "Do you want to go and screw those little boys over there?"
The rabbi says, "Out of how much?"

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 11, 2006 at 06:55 PM

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An image that needs no commentary:

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/adobe.jpg

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Accounting Troll ( 145 ) · Group: Members · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 12, 2006 at 09:03 PM

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You have a rather... unique sense of humor Give me a good episode of Hancock's Half Hour instead.

Has anyone else wondered about the sort of things we find funny? The above jokes poked fun at things like famine, death, terrorism, cancer and child abuse. The humour in Hancock's Half Hour is mostly based around greed, cruelty and stupidity, as is the humour in other successful shows such as Blackadder. Then there is the humour that I have heard described as the comedy of embarrassment, which is based around a socially inept character, such as in Some Mothers Do Have Them and The Office.

When you think about it, many of the subjects for humour are pretty unpleasant. So why are we capable of finding so much humour in human suffering, cruelty and ignorance?

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 15, 2006 at 03:27 AM

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Because it's not happening to us, I suspect. Well, not right now, anyway.

What do you call a sandal-wearing Frenchman?
Philippe Philoppe.
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What has four legs and an arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
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A leper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender glances over and promptly throws up all over.
The leper looks hurt and says, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender wipes his mouth on his sleeve, looks up and proclaims, "I'm sorry, its not you. That bloke sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.

Stop me if you've heard 'em.

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Ivory ( 241 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 31, 2006 at 05:01 PM

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people do not always laugh out of humour. . . sometimes it is in defence. somethings we find too offensive to approach in any other way, and so we laff. humor can protect us from things we do not want to, or cannot accept, or ...address directly.

sometimes we laff at others down fall, simply becasue it makes us feel better as it is not our own.

sometimes we are just sick and delight in mocking others.

and sometimes things are just funny, witty, clever even. hopefully fa will tell us some of those kind soon

we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

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FullAuto ( 1,042 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: August 31, 2006 at 05:05 PM

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...Not bloody likely.

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Accounting Troll ( 145 ) · Group: Members · Rank: spacer · Posted On: September 1, 2006 at 11:29 PM

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FA, you do realise that your role has been taken by a computer program don't you?

http://news.bbc...and/5276366.stm

The jokes that computer tells are so unfunny they were rejected by a company that makes christmas crackers. You get some overweight Northern music hall comic telling jokes like that and battle hardened Al Qaeda terrorists will crack in no time; the rack and nutcrackers are an act of mercy in comparison.

Perhaps an important function of jokes is to reduce fear of one's enemy by ridiculing him. Adolf Hitler, Lord Haw Haw, Osama bin Laden and Dubya Bush have all been targets of ridicule, thus making them harder to fear.

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Ivory ( 241 ) · Group: Administrators · Rank: spacer · Posted On: September 4, 2006 at 05:59 PM

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i dont think id be any less afraid if aolf hitler rose from the dead, came and dragged me out of my bed in the middle of the night, and threw me in a camp where i was worked untill near dead then faced only one of two choices... shooting, or gassing. . . .just cos id heard a joke about his balls.

ok, now for decent and eternally funny joke -

what do you call a fish with no eyes?









Fsh!

heheheheheheheheh (oh you know its funny) hehehehehe

we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

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