I scrimp and save, hoarding my pennies to buy games to amuse myself and distract me from this bitter, tiny shell of al ife. And what happens? They put the right games in, oh yes. But for the wrong console.

Thank you, GameStation.

Now I am consigned to another evening of self-harm and throwing knives at pictures of small fluffy bunny rabbits.

Sometimes, the whole world conspires against you. It really does.

Bit upset are we? You see what you failed to understand is that the Games shop staff are Dixons rejects - and that takes some doing!!!

"To play it safe is not to play at all."

I am a tad miffed yes. Not only are the discs for the wrong console, they're also muckier than a night of sex with a Thai ladyboy. How difficult is it to wipe a disc, you horrible unclean bastards?

Even if I had the right console (or by pure chance, they give me the right discs) they wouldn't work. There's jam on one of them! Jam, for fuck's sake!

FullAuto: I am a tad miffed yes. Not only are the discs for the wrong console, they're also muckier than a night of sex with a Thai ladyboy. How difficult is it to wipe a disc, you horrible unclean bastards?

Even if I had the right console (or by pure chance, they give me the right discs) they wouldn't work. There's jam on one of them! Jam, for fuck's sake!

Asking a bit much from morons! and you always said you wanted jam on it! They probably tried to eat the thing when it wouldn't work in their machine either! Now keep calm and take one of your little pills.

"To play it safe is not to play at all."

FullAuto: There's jam on one of them! Jam, for fuck's sake!

What flavour?

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Indeed - STD is on my line of thought here. At least you have jam to amuse you... and maybe some expensive second hand frisbees!

Aren't the Asgard supposedly technologically superior?

It's fossilised into something resembling a scab, but still smells quite sweet. Possibly strawberry. In which way do jam and discs go together?

I shudder to think at the possibilities.

Mmm, if it smells sweet it could be Chutney too.

I would take it back and tell them to shove it up their arses unless you get one with proper marmalade with the shredded orange.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

You must be joking. Marmalade like that is too expensive to waste on game discs. It has to be smeared across vintage vinyl LPs.

FullAuto: You must be joking. Marmalade like that is too expensive to waste on game discs. It has to be smeared across vintage vinyl LPs.

The thicker 78's give a more crunchy and satisfying snack!

"To play it safe is not to play at all."

Got it sorted out today, after a massive row in the shop. For some reason, they suspected I was part of some dastardly plot to swap in PS2 games in Xbox cases, presumably to destabilise first the gaming industry, then Europe and then capitalism entirely, leaving the entire globe free for Islamic extremists to conquer.

They even tried to blame the jam on me. Nice try, boys. Unlike some, I don't clean my hands by wiping them on the nearest available surface.

Are you happy now? What's the game anyway - you failed to mention that.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Conflict: Global Terror (Melodrama Is Rife), Viewtiful Joe and Metal Slug 4.

FullAuto: Conflict: Global Terror (Melodrama Is Rife), Viewtiful Joe and Metal Slug 4.

You're gonna be busy!

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I can't wait to get rid of this exam, I haven't played a game for real in too long... I got UFO: Aftershock, Halo: Combat Evolved, Planescape: Torment, Fable: The Lost Chapters, Space Rangers 1 and 2 and Need For Speed: Most Wanted installed and on standby

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.