Apparently they get locked in.

Why cast someone in a film who cannot act?

Bah! Small beans indeed compared to the weekend duels between Doncaster's Tokyo opticians, I'm telling you. Or better yet, the fun-filled cultureathon that is Hartlepool 'pon a Friday night.

I never understood that, even when I was little.

"You fight like a girl."

"You mean, I drag you about by your hair, scratch your fucking eyes out and repeatedly hoof you in the bollocks?"

"Er, yeah."

"Well, if you insist..."

Well, in that case, my money is still firmly on Pete, I'm afraid.

I doubt it. They probably haven't been in a fight since school.

No chance. If we're having Nicole Kidman you lot are getting Boris fucking Karloff. And he's dead.

Christ, why not go the whole hog? We'll have Julia Roberts and you girls can have...there's no male ugly enough to serve as an equivalent. Never mind.

Moi? Would I?

Swish. Pig hunting, at night. Luminescent bacon. Oh, that'll be great! Bacon sarnies in the dark. Pork chops that double as nightlights. Sausages you can take caving and use not only as food, but as glow sticks.

This maybe the greatest step mankind has ever taken.

Christ. Evans dipping his bollocks in your tea with his browneye winking at you. Somebody kill me, please.

Chocolate bourbons? Is that some sort of weird analogy for an arsehole?

I am, it has to be said, quite a sad case and am more than happy to go and look at old stuff in-country. My last holiday I just went to a museum and looked at old town walls, cathedrals, and such. Even when I went to Paris in the days of my youth, I spent four days of the week in the Louvre.

Norway (I think it was Norway, I was terribly drunk at the time) was good. Germany was ok. France was very nice. That's the extent of my travels outside the UK, I think.

I think GOF had bit too much fucking about, and although it was an important turning point in the series, I reckon Rowling is struggling to make the content more mature along with the characters.

Gyarr. Termites in me leg. Ahem.

Well, at 160 minutesor so, they think they're pushing it right now, but they're not. Obviously book to film translations will always be incomplete, unless it's a very short book or a very long film, and I think they've done a good job of adapting the series, albeit focusing a lot more on action than the books do.

Rowling does have a degree of creative control, but it's obviously been a battle just to get the film set in the UK with a principally Brit cast. Also, the change of directors is beyond my ken, and I understand for the next film they're swapping writers too, which is just plain mad. I think the current bloke has done a fairly good job. He's managed to stay pretty faithful to the source material while still appealing to people who haven't read the books, which is a pretty impressive feat.

None of the faults are particularly bad, and can be taken care of in short order.

It was supposed to be the last film set in the Askewniverse, but with Jersey Girl I think Smith discovered his limits and has gone back to doing what he does best.

My mug, you say? I thought that last drink squirmed a little too much to be tea.