What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
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What goes stiff after three strokes?
Princess Margaret.
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One day, a lady elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a thorn in her foot. She can't pull it out and it's really hurting her. Just then a mouse comes along. "Hey, Mouse," the elephant says, "can you pull this thorn out of my foot?"
"Sure." Says the mouse "On one condition!"
"What is it?" asks the elephant.
"You let me fuck you in the arse." says the mouse.
Well the elephant doesn't take long to think about this. It's only a mouse, so it's not like she'll feel anything, so she agrees. The mouse pulls the thorn out of her foot and then races up her back leg and starts poking his little mouse cock into her massive elephant bumhole.
A chimpanzee looks down from a nearby tree and thinks that the elephant is being attacked by the mouse, so starts throwing logs at it to get it off the elephant. But the chimp isn't a good shot, and one of the logs hits the elephant on the head.
"AOW!" cries the elephant.
"That's it!" Snarls the mouse through gritted teeth "Take it ALL!"
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The McCartney kids are at the family estate anxiously awaiting news of their sick mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kids....there's good news and bad news. The bad news is your mother's will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago. The good news is, it's steak and chips for dinner!"
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It's the first day back after the school holidays and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers.
So the teacher points to little Katy and asks, "Katy, what does your Dad do?"
Katy replies "My dad's a pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy."
The teacher then asks David what his Dad does.
"My dad is a postman, and he delivers letters and parcels from all over the place, and he makes people happy."
The teacher turns to little Susan and is about to ask the same question, but Susan bursts into tears. The teacher rushes over to console her. "Whats wrong, love?"
"My dad is dead, Miss" she replies.
"Aww, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry"
"It's ok" she choked out, through tears.
"So, what did your father do before he died?"
"He shit the bed and turned blue, Miss"

Thank you, thank you.

What's the definition of self-destruction?
An epileptic leper.
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What's better than getting a gold in the Special Olympics?
Not being a spacker.
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What do you call a Japanese paedophile?
Po Kim Yung
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What do you call a Japanese Joyrider?
Tommy Nikamota
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Who are the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds.
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What is 16 inches long, stiff and makes women cry?
Cot death.
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Why did Hitler kill himself?
Because he got his gas bill.
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What do a dildo and a quorn sausage have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.
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A little boy and his Dad are in the bathroom while mum's in the bath.
Little boy: "Dad, what's that between mum's legs?"
Dad: "Well, that's where I hit your mum with an axe."
Little boy: "Bloody hell, you're a good shot Dad, you got it right in her cunt."

Where is the most populated place in Ethiopia
Wherever the wind blows.
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A paedophile and a little girl are walking through the woods.
"Mister, mister! I'm scared!" Says the little girl.
"You're scared?" Replies the paedophile. "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk back through here on my own!"
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What did one pilot say to the other?
"I bet you cant fly between those two buildings."
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A man is sat in the hospital waiting room, biting his nails. A doctor comes out with the newborn baby and says to the dad "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, he's ginger. The good news is, he's dead."

Badum-tsh!

Want to see Japanese paper robots fighting? Not really? Well, you should, if only as an example of how fucking bonkers the Japanese are.

Requires QuickTime.

http://www.kami-robo.com/index_en.html

He is a fucking scary bloke alright...

I dunno, mate. Presumably because he's a mixture of two warrior cultures (because everyone apart from Indians and Vikings back then were a load of softies, apparently) he'll be twice as hard.

Or something.

Well, TD was released in North America on the 4th, and it's made a cool $9 mill so far, for a total of around $19 mill worldwide (that's just box office, not counting the DVD sales). So this makes it...technically more profitable than POTC2, X-Men 3, MI3 and Superman Returns, thanks to its extremely low production cost.

Three cheers.

District B13 is le action film featuring le parkour, or free running as it is known here in Blighty. I'm sure you've seen examples of this urban exploration style, so I won't go on about it.

Directed by the bloke who did Unleashed, and starring a pair of parkour practitioners, I predict plenty of unlikely gun-losing forces them to kick the shit out of a wide variety of folk, and use their acrobtatic skills to both chase and escape their enemies.

Script is by Luc Besson, so don't expect any social commentary, but it should be a good Jackie-Chan-alike action film.

Trailer here: http://uk.rotte...13/trailers.php

Something of an Australian Western, though it's more Unforgiven than Magnificent Seven. Ray Winstone acts his fucking arse off, playing a great character. Guy Pearce approximates an Irish accent, but otherwise does a decent job.

19th century Australia, still a rather lawless land. Captain Stanley (Winstone), captures a pair of brigand brothers, and offers one of them a deal. If Charlie (Pearce) goes and kills his mad-dog big brother, Arthur, he'll let Mikey, the little brother, go free. Unofrtunately, the townsfolk aren't going to be patient for justice, and Charlie and Arthur have violent tempers.

The film is marred by heavy-handed criticism of British colonialism (gee, never seen that before, though I don't think Mel Gibson is involved in this one) and a Brit character that is nothing more than a poor panto villain. And Emily Watson, playing Winstone's wife, looks like she's always sucking on something bitter.

Apart from that, though, cracking film. Great headshots, too.

I feel that short films, like short stories, are unfairly ignored. Quite often, they're actually good, and though they don't last as long as a feature film, you can watch several of them in the same amount of time.

http://www.atom...nt/french_doors

French Doors is a Kiwi horror short about a bloke who installs some (yes, you guessed it) French doors. Quite creepy, for a film about DIY.

Alan Moore. Great writer of comics. Undoutedly one of the best around. Unfortunately, adaptations of his work have not fared so well.

The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Hollywood fucked him.

V for Vendetta - Hollywood fucked him.

From Hell - Hollywood fucked him.

Now, they're adapting one of Moore's best works, Watchmen. One of the best comics ever, it concerns an alternate history United States, which is edging closer and closer to nuclear war with the USSR. It tells the story of the last remaining superheroes and the events surrounding the mysterious murder of one of their own. The superheroes are presented as real people who must confront ethical and personal issues, who have neuroses and fuck-ups, and who are largely lacking in superpowers. Watchmen destroys of the superhero stereotype, and combined with its innovative adaptation of cinematic techniques and heavy use of symbolism and multi-layered dialogue, has had a profound effect on later comics.

And it's being made into a film and directed by Zack "Dawn of the Dead remake" Snyder.

I think I am going to cry.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459

Take a classic British horror film.

Remake it, and have Nicholas Cage play the lead, a police officer sent to investigate the disappearance of a young girl on an island full of pagans.

Add one ghost.

Instead of the main character being a virgin like in the original (because its the 21st century, you see, and there are no virgins any more) make the character allergicto bees.

Add some killer bees.

Change the main bad guy into a girl (to which Christopher Lee, who played the main bad guy in the original, said "What do I think of it being played by a woman, when it was played by a man in 1972, as part of a Scottish pagan community, and now it's played by a woman with the same name? What do I think of it? Nothing. There's nothing to say."

An endorsement if I ever heard one.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345

For you Brits out there, do any of you remember this? A daft TV series about children that could teleport, used telepathy, didn't have spots, etc and were meant to be the next stage of human evolution?

Well, it's been ripped off.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489099

I hope they make more of it than the TV series did.

Jumper (great title, people, aced that innovation class) is about a boy who can teleport at will. Unsurprisingly enough, his teleporting to find the killer of his mother draws the attention of the government, and others of his kind, who can also teleport.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0446013

Starring non-actor Karl Urban, as a Norse boy shipwrecked in North America. Raised by Native Americans (whatever they are), he soon becomes a mighty warrior, and must fight off another raid from the Vikings, who conveniently waited decades for the little bastard to grow up.

I mean, Jesus Christ...

It's 2027, and no child has been born for 18 years. Nobody knows why. As the human race faces extinction, the world falls into a state of anarchy, and things do not bode well.

Thankfully, a girl is preggers, and who else but Theo (Clive Owen) is sent to take her on a journey to a bunch of scientists, where she can squeeze one out in peace and help them discover what the fuck is going on. Book's worth a look, too.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206634/