Hey, why pick on the Bond girls? None of the people who played James Bond could act, either.

The worst of the bunch is Sean Connery. Look at some of the other acting roles he has taken his strong Scottish accent to:

- King Arthur, who was Romano-British (ie Welsh)
- Richard I of England in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Richard I actually had a strong French accent and barely spoke a word of English.
- And let's not forget the Russian submarine commander in Hunt for Red October!

Most euipment used by the British Army was only designed for operations in Northern Europe (eg fighting off a Soviet invasion of Western Germany or invading France). The government is too tight to develop equipment that works in the deserts of the Middle East.

There was a sotry in the Daily Mail today that annoyed me. An unemployed man who shares his house with his wife, his girlfriend and most of his 14 children wants the local council to get him a bigger house because of the overcrowding.

He already lives in the biggest house his council has, but he blames them for his predicament. Are we to take it that the members of Derby council keep visiting his house and making love to his wife and girlfriend then?

His family also gets around £25,000 pa in benefits (tax free) and he still went on how he hates this country now because the council won't gie him a bigger house.

I am very sympathetic to anybody who has to live on benefits in this country, partly because the government makes claiming benefits to be as degrading as possible, but idiots like this really annoy me. He leads a totally irresponsible life, shucking out dozens of kids he can't afford to look after (number 15 is on the way and his dog is also pregnant) and then he thinks the state has an obligation to sort out the mess he causes.

Let's just say that if I was the head of his local council, I would solve the issue by castrating him and put all his children up for adoption. Or a child brothel if it works out cheaper for the Council

FA, I've always hoped that one was a mistranslation. Just conider the mechanics of it

Still, a society which doesn't bat an eyelid when a woman says that she has been seduced by a swan and lain two eggs is capable of anything.

Their pay is considereably less than average once you allow for the fact that they often end up buying equipment out of their own money because the official issue equipment is so rubbish.

During the recent invasion of Iraq, British soldiers 'liberated' a warehouse full of Iraqi army desert boots because of the poor quality of British army desert boots.

Another thing that annoys me is that both of Britain's gritting lorries go in for a service whenever we have snow. It's amazing how a couple of inches of snow will bring the country to a standstill...

But if you coincide changing the locks with a heavy frost, you get to inherit as well.

Considering how British soldiers are badly paid and equipped, I suspect they wouldn't leave any change.

Another thing that annoys me is all the roadworks you get in March. We're nearing the end of the financial year, so councils are getting desperate to spend all the money in their budget on unnecessary roadworks and redecorations of public buildings.

I do feel that people who publicly display their affection should be executed, but this is mainly because I'm jealous.

Dr No.

James Bond drove a Sunbeam ALpine in that one.

If you think that's bad, wait until you find out about the forms Greek gods took when they decided to seduce mortal women.

The constellation Cygnus commemorates the time when Zeus took the form of a swan to seduce Queen Leda. The other forms he took in order to seduce mortal women include a bull, an eagle and a satyr. And they weren't the worst...

True, but think of the savings on the food bill when you get rid of an unwanted family member.

The inept security measures that surround us these days.

I was in Monmouth the other day, so I thought I would take the opportunity to visit the ruins of the castle. There is a car park and a Ministry of Defence building next to the castle, and I saw the following sign at the car park:

"If you fail to pay and display your car will be deemed a security risk"

Presumably when Al Qaeda plants a car bomb, they never think to pay the car parking charges...

To be fair, I kind of liked Halle Berry. Even though that scene of her emerging from the water was copied from one of the Sean Connery era James Bond films.

I also miss Blofeld and his cat. There was something wonderfully malevolent about the way he would stroke his cat and say "Ah, Mr Bond." before explaining all his plans to James Bond and then ordering his execution in a needlessly complicated manner.

That approach is a bit too subtle for me. I would have changed the locks

Is it too late to add that one to the poll of painful experiences?

It's his girlfriend I feel sorry for. Imagine having to dress up so you look like a microwave oven...

This is an exceedingly disturbing thread.

FA, would you like to be alone with your toaster?